The Book of Moron: A Parody
by hasadigaeebowai
Summary: When Elder Price and Elder Cunningham are sent Orlando on their mission, they find that "the happiest place on earth" isn't all it's cracked up to be...
1. Overture

**Hello! ****I would like to share with you the most amazing fic!**

But before I start the show, a few things must be said.

First, the rights to the book and lyrics of_ The Book of Mormon_ belong to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Bobby Lopez.

I do not own anything.

**And most importantly, this is a work of PARODY.**

_The Book of Moron _is NOT an accurate representation of Orlando, Walt Disney World, etc.

It is, if anything, grossly inaccurate. Orlando is a magical place.

This story is a product of my twisted imagination. It is entirely fictional.

**I apologize to Walt Disney in advance.**


	2. Act I Scene i

(A/N: Sorry for the wait. It seems the stage crew works very slow. Here's scene one. _The Book of Moron _is in musical format. You won't notice too many lyrical differences or too much parody yet. The parody doesn't really kick in until we reach Orlando. _Then_ it gets good. Thanks to those of you who put this on your alert list! If you're reading this, I love you! And remember to review! – HasaDigaEebowai)

**ACT I, SCENE i – MISSION TRAINING CENTER**

_(The curtain rises to reveal a dark stage devoid of light. Then suddenly, let there be light!)_

_(There is a knocking sound, ELDER PRICE is revealed making a knocking-on-a-door motion, a spotlight on him. He is smiling way too big, lots of teeth.)_

ELDER PRICE: **Hi there! My name is Elder Price! And I would like to share with you the most amazing book!**

_(Another light appears, shining on ELDER GRANT, who is also flashing a huge smile.)_

ELDER GRANT: **Hi there! My name is Elder –**

_(ELDER GRANT's singing is interrupted by a chorus of shushing, and he trails off. The rest of the lights come on, illuminating the rest of the stage. We now see that the other ELDERS are sitting at ELDER PRICE's feet and looking up at him in utter admiration, practically drooling.)_

ELDER YOUNG: _Elder Grant!_ Be quiet! Let Elder Price finish his story!

ELDER PRICE: _Thank you_, Elder Young. _(pause)_ So anyways, I knocked on the door and sang the approved missionary song, and the woman asked _'What do you want?'_

ELDER CROSS: What happened?

ELDER PRICE: _(Calmly, self-assured)_ Hold on, I'm getting there. I said, 'Ma'am, I'm from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I'd like to save your _soul!_'

ELDER WHITE: _(salivating)_ Wow!

ELDER PRICE: And then the lady, she said to me, 'I'm Jewish', and began to close the door. But using the skills I learned right here at the Missionary Training Center, I stuck out my foot and stopped the door! _(voice rising excitedly)_ She said 'Leave me alone, I'll call the police!' and I said, 'But ma'am, the Book of Mormon contains the secret to eternal life, and it's only $9.99!' Now, I won't go into too many details, but by the end of the day, I converted her!

ELDER GREEN: You're_ amazing_.

_(The elders all stand up, storytime now over.)_

ELDER PRICE: I know, Elder. I just hope all my hard work pays off in the long run.

ELDER SMITH: Do you have _any idea_ where they're sending you, Elder Price?

ELDER PRICE: Well of course we don't _really_ know, but I've been praying and praying and praying to be sent to my favorite place in the whole wide world.

ELDER GREEN: I'm sure if you prayed for a location, Heavenly Father will make it happen. I mean, you're like the smartest, most pious, studious, brilliant, perfect, persuasive, incredible, astonishing, tremendous, fantastic, extraordinary, remarkable, most deserving –

ELDER PRICE: Aw, come on guys. Tell me something I don't know. I've heard all those adjectives before.

**The most important time of a Mormon kid's life is his mission**

**A chance to go out and sell religious text, that's my mission**

**Soon I'll be off in a different place**

**Helping the whole human race**

**I know my mission will be something that's super cool!**

DISEMBODIED VOICE: _(like a game show host)_ Elders, form a perfectly straight line and step forward when your names are called! Restrain yourself from breaking out into song! _Elder Young_!

ELDER YOUNG: Yesssssss... _(He drags out the "s" for what seems like forever, until finally having to take a breath. There is silence as the DISEMBODIED VOICE waits for him to finish. He then steps forward.)_

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Your mission brother will be… _Elder Grant!_

ELDER GRANT: _(running up and giving ELDER YOUNG a high-five)_ THAT'S ME! HEY BROTHER! THIS IS SO EXCITING! _(the two clutch each other and start jumping up and down)_

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Your mission location will be… Venezuela!

ELDER GRANT: Oh boy! Venezuela! Land of soy sauce…

ELDER YOUNG: And mortha!

ELDERS YOUNG + GRANT: **Pair by pair we're knocking on your door!**

'**Cause God likes Mormons and he needs some more!**

**A real long mission is our duty!**

**We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ! Of Latter Day Saints.**

ALL: **Pair by pair, and today we'll know**

**Who we'll be paired with and where we're sent!**

**We're fighting for cause and we're really really cool**

**We are the soldiers for the army of the Church! Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints**

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Elder White and Elder Smith!

ELDER SMITH: _(squealing and screaming like a BOM fangirl)_ I knew it! I knew we'd be put together! I prayed to be with you!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: You mission will be in… Germany!

ELDER WHITE: Land of… beer and laderhosen!

ELDER SMITH: Let's vanquish the dark forces of Satan together!

ELDER WHITE: Okay!

ELDERS SMITH + WHITE: **Pair by pair, I guess you're stuck with me**

**We're off to preach in ol' Germany!**

ELDER SMITH: **Nazis took over Berlin!**

_(Awkward pause)_

ELDER WHITE: … World War II's over, Elder.

ELDER SMITH: Oh. This is awkward. Umm… Disembodied voice? Carry on. Please.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Elder Cross and Elder Green! _You_ will be serving in Nebraska.

ELDER CROSS: OH MY GOD! _(ELDER GREEN runs over and hugs him, and the two begin jumping down, screaming.)_

_(Suddenly, ELDER CROSS clutches his heart. He is literally dying of excitement. ELDER GREEN notices and begins calling out for help, but no one listens.)_

_(ELDER PRICE wanders forward, seemingly oblivious to the scene unfolding behind him, and the lights behind him dim, so that the focus is on ELDER PRICE, but we can still see ELDER CROSS dying in the background.)_

ELDER PRICE: **Heavenly Father, where will I go on my mission?**

**Will it be Chile or O Canada on my mission?**

**It could be right on old Broadway.**

**Or in Uganda where they all have AIDS.**

**But I pray I'm sent to my favorite place…**

**ORLANDO!**

**You infatuate me, Orlando!**

**Sea World, and Disney, and putt putt golfing!**

DISEMBODIED VOICE: _Elder Price!_

_(ELDER PRICE jumps forward, springing into a salute and standing up straight.)_

ELDER PRICE: _(squeaking)_ Yes, sir!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Your brother will be… _Elder Cunningham_!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(rushing to Elder Price's side)_ That's ME! HI THERE! _WE SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS._

ELDER PRICE: You've got to be kidding me. I'm stuck with _that _idiot? Really?

DISEMBODIED VOICE: _You_ will be serving in…

_(ELDER PRICE begins to shout a mantra, "Please be Orlando, Please be Orlando…" His shouting gets louder and louder, and when the DISEMBODIED VOICE announces his location, he doesn't even hear.)_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Orlando? _Coooool._ Where is that?

ELDER PRICE: Orlando's in _Florida_, Elder.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Oh boy! Like Lion King!

ELDER PRICE: _(facepalm)_ Lion King takes place in _Africa_.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: But isn't Florida –

ELDER PRICE: Wait a minute! Wait just one minute! Did the disembodied voice just say… _(squeak)_ Orlando?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Yeah. THAT'S WHERE WE'RE SPENDING THE NEXT TWO YEARS OF OUR LIVES!

ELDER PRICE: Orlando! _Orlando!_ **ORLANDO!**

_(He runs over to ELDER YOUNG, laughing rather manically, and gives him a hug. He then goes to a distraught ELDER GREEN.)_

ELDER GREEN: Calm down, Elder Price. Calm down. I know you're excited, but Elder Cross is dying.

_(In the background, a group of Elders are carrying him offstage.)_

ELDER PRICE: I don't care if he's dying! I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! _HA!_ YES!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: And I'm going with you, best friend!

ELDER PRICE: I don't care! I may be stuck with you of all people, but we'll be in Orlando!

ELDER PRICE: **Pair by pair, and now we've got to go**

**Our paths have been revealed, so let's start the show!**

_(Gesturing at ELDER CUNNINGHAM) _**His shirt's an untucked mess,**

**And his haircut's not so nice,**

**But as sad as it may seem**

ELDERS PRICE + CUNNINGHAM: **We are the army of the church**

ALL: _(emerging onstage)_ **We are the army of the Church of Jesus… CHRIST!**

_(Dance break, complete with cheesy choreography.)_

ALL: **Pair by pair**

**We march for victory**

**Armed with the bestselling book in history**

ELDER PRICE: _(confidently)_ **I'll convert everyone all across planet Orlando!**

ALL: **That is the beauty of**

**The essence of**

**The purpose of**

**The mission of**

**The soldiers of the Army of the Church of Jesus Christ**

…**of Latter-Day Saints **


	3. Act I Scene ii

**ACT I, SCENE ii – SALT LAKE CITY AIRPORT**

_(The lights light up as we segue into scene ii, at the Salt Lake City airport. The PRICE family is standing at near the gate, exchanging excessively tearful goodbyes with their son.)_

MRS. PRICE: _(a blubbering mess)_ I – I c-can't believe… MY KEVYPOO! _(throws herself at ELDER PRICE)_

ELDER PRICE: _(irritated) _Calm yourself, woman. _(lowering voice to a hushed whisper)_ I _told_ you not to call me that in public, remember? _(normal volume)_ From now on, you will address me as "Elder Price".

MRS. PRICE: But- But you're my _son_! You want me to call my own son _Elder_? You're s-so distant! All grown up. KEVYPOO! _(hugging him again)_

ELDER PRICE: I'm an adult now, mother. And my name is not Kevypoo.

MRS. PRICE: _(Getting extremely loud and hysterical. People in the terminal are beginning to give her odd looks.)_ YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY BABY! MY KEVYPOO!

MR. PRICE: I apologize for her behavior, son. _(Slaps his wife across the face)_ CALM YOURSELF, WOMAN. _(in a pleasant tone)_ By the way, _Elder Price_, we've got a surprise for you!

_(MRS. BROWN casually walks up to the family, looking like something out of _The Lion King_. More stares.)_

MR. PRICE: We hired – I mean, Mrs. Brown volunteered to dance like an African in honor of your going to Africa!

_(MRS. BROWN starts to dance)_

ELDER PRICE: Dad. Orlando is in Florida. _Not _Africa.

MR. PRICE: _(shaking head and chuckling)_ Son, son, son. We all know that Florida's in Africa. Stop kidding around. _(lowering voice)_ Plus, I'm paying her, so you _better _let her dance.

ELDER PRICE: _(sighs dramatically)_ But it's not in Africa.

MR. PRICE: Stop it. Orlando is in Africa. Accept it.

_(MR. PRICE then takes out his reading glasses and puts them on for a better view. He watches MRS. BROWN's backside, occasionally muttering 'oh, baby' or 'that's the stuff'.)_

_(The shift focuses as ELDER CUNNINGHAM and his father walk in. A few feet away from the PRICE family, the two stop.)_

MR. CUNNINGHAM: Well, son, good luck on your mission. You'll need it. Have I told you how hopeless you are?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(upbeat)_ Yes, you have! Will you miss me?

MR. CUNNINGHAM: _(shaking his head sadly at his son)_ No. – I mean, I mean… Yes. Of course. I'll miss watching Star Trek on a daily basis.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Star _Wars_, Dad. I prefer Star _Wars_. But you can watch it without me if you want! I know how much you like it!

MR. CUNNINGHAM: _(muttering) _Yeah, right. _(clears throat)_ I suppose this is goodbye.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: OH! THERE'S SOMEONE YOU NEED TO MEET! _(drags his father over to ELDER PRICE by the arm)_ THIS IS MY NEW BEST FRIEND ELDER PRICE!

ELDER PRICE: Oh. Hey there… _(sighs and looks up to the sky, as if wondering, 'why?')_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: HE'S MY COMPANION, DAD!

MR. CUNNINGHAM: Nice to meet you, Elder Price. _(extends hand for handshake. ELDER PRICE shakes it and smiles.)_

MR. PRICE: See, honey? At least _he_ knows how to address a missionary.

MRS. PRICE: _(bursts into tears and runs offstage)_

MR. PRICE: _(shakes head and sighs)_ Women. _(disgustedly)_ So, _you're_ Kevin's companion?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Yup! _(smiles huge, like a complete idiot)_ Isn't that exciting, Kevin?

ELDER PRICE: Please, call me Elder Price.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Okay!

MR. CUNNINGHAM: Elder Price… would you talk to me for a second?

ELDER PRICE: Sure!

_(ELDER PRICE and MR. CUNNINGHAM move to the side, and begin talking quietly.)_

MR. CUNNINGHAM: Listen… About my son… Look, I'm sorry you're stuck with him. I feel very sorry for you. Arnold, he's a compulsive liar, he won't fucking shut up about Space Trek and nonsense, he –

ELDER PRICE: Don't worry sir. _(overconfidently) I_ can handle it. I am Kevin Price.

MR. CUNNINGHAM: _(grabbing ELDER PRICE's shoulders, speaking vigorously)_ Listen, I've spent nineteen years living under the same roof as him, okay? _Nineteen years_. Torture. I know what it's like? He'll drive you to the brink of suicide!

ELDER PRICE: I'll be fine. _(smiles)_ Trust me.

MR. CUNNINGHAM: If you insist, so be it. But don't say I didn't warn you. Maybe you can set him straight or something.

_(The two make their way back over to the PRICE family and ELDER CUNNINGHAM. MRS. BROWN is still going strong, with MR. PRICE watching her. On the other hand, ELDER CUNNINGHAM is hugging MRS. PRICE, who has come back onstage, and is trying ( and failing) to comfort her.)_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: I know that you won't see him for _two years_, and over the course _of two long, long years_, you can call him only twice a year, but look on the bright side!

MRS. PRICE: _(sobbing)_ I – I suppose it's true he'll be doing good in the world.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: No, I was referring to the fact that it will be easier to fix your broken marriage! _(He points at MR. PRICE, who is still watching MRS. BROWN's bottom, whistling softly under his breath.)_

MRS. PRICE: My marriage isn't broken! _(breaks down again)_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: I know it's hard to accept, but –

ELDER PRICE: _(interrupting)_ Oh look at the time! It seems you have to say goodbye to _my mother_, Elder Cunningham.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Goodbye! _(waving manically)_ Good luck with your marriage!

_(MRS. PRICE storms over to her husband angrily, and grabs him roughly by the upper arm.)_

MRS. PRICE: Come say goodbye to _your son_ who you had with your _wife_. Who you are _married _to. And stop watching that woman's ass!

MRS. BROWN: _(saucily, abruptly stopping her dance)_ _Excuse_ me? Are you -

MRS. PRICE: _Come along_. _(She drags her husband away, as MRS. BROWN glares on. Dramatically, MRS. BROWN storms offstage.)_

MRS. BROWN: _(calling from offstage)_ But I'm keeping the money you paid me!

MR. PRICE: _(calling back)_ FINE! _(clears throat)_ So I guess this is goodbye, son.

ELDER PRICE: I guess it is.

MRS. PRICE: _(breaking down yet again)_ KEVYPOO!

ELDER PRICE: _(sighing)_ I suppose I'll miss you too, Mom. _(pats her on the back awkwardly)_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(waving, despite the fact that his father is literally two feet away)_ Bye Dad!

MR. CUNNINGHAM: Bye Arnold.

_(We see that MR. PRICE is trying to pry MRS. PRICE from her son, but she won't let go.)_

MR. PRICE: Helen, people are _staring_.

MRS. PRICE: I don't care! KEVYPOO!

MR. PRICE: SECURITY!

_(A mob of armed guards descend on MRS. PRICE, pulling her away.)_

MRS. PRICE: KEVYPOO!

OFFICER: Mind if we sedate her? It's easier for us.

MR. PRICE: No problem! _(OFFICER shoots MRS. PRICE with a tranquilizer gun. She stops screaming and faints. The guards carry her unceremoniously offstage.)_

MR. PRICE: _(Breathing a sigh of relief, looking to the sky.)_ _Thank_ you. _(To ELDER PRICE)_ Goodbye, son.

ELDER PRICE: Bye Dad. Thanks for calling security. _Finally_ we can say goodbye in peace.

MR. PRICE: I just wanted to remind you that you are my pride and joy, and you're almost – _almost_ – as amazing as Joseph Smith. You're going to go out there and save the world _all by yourself_. _(exasperated glance at ELDER CUNNINGHAM, who is waving frantically as his dad walks away)_ I would say 'good luck', but I know nothing bad will happen. I mean, Orlando's in a _friendly_ part of Africa. It's not like there's warlords who shoot people in the face, people with AIDS, etcetera. Not like _Uganda _or anything. You know, like in that musical? The one where two mismatched Mormon missionaries are sent to Uganda? Heard somebody talking about it one day. Anyway. Goodbye, Kevin.

ELDER PRICE: Goodbye Dad. _(hug)_

_(MR. PRICE leaves, leaving ELDER PRICE and ELDER CUNNINGHAM alone onstage.)_

FEMALE DISEMBODIED VOICE: This is your boarding call for "African Air" Flight 3242011 bound for Orlando, Florida. That's Flight 3242011, to Orlando.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Kevin!

ELDER PRICE: Please, call me Elder Price. And what?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: THIS IS IT!

ELDER PRICE: I know. God, do you have to yell so loud? I'm sick of you already.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Isn't this so incredible! We're leaving for Africa –

ELDER PRICE: Florida.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: - Florida, TODAY! And we're companions, Kevin -

ELDER PRICE: Elder Price.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: You can't leave my side, like, _ever_! Even to go to the bathroom!

ELDER PRICE: Actually, I _can_ leave your side to go to the bathroom.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: If you want to, sure! But otherwise you're _stuck with me_, my _friend_! We have to work together, eat together, sleep together –

ELDER PRICE: That's disturbing.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: And we'll be best friends, changing the world _together!_

ELDER PRICE: _(pinning ELDER CUNNINGHAM against a wall and fixing him with a hard stare)_ Listen, _Elder Cunningham_. Don't use that word with me, 'together'. This is _my show_ to run. _I'm _the main character, and Orlando is _my _favorite place. _(letting go of ELDER CUNNINGHAM and wandering center stage, staring off into the distance)_ From now on, it's all about _me_. Me, myself, and I.

_(music starts)_

ELDER PRICE: **I've always known that on the day I go to HEAVEN**

**Heavenly father will high-five me, and say 'You've done a splendid job, KEVIN!'**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Nice rhyme!

ELDER PRICE: _(ignoring him)_ **Now it's my time to go out**

**And set the whole kingdom free!**

**I can do it alone me, myself, and only I!**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Can I help?

ELDER PRICE: No.

**Me, myself, and only I, I'm gonna change the world forever**

**Because I can do everything**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: **And I can stand next to you and watch!**

ELDER PRICE: _(shooting ELDER CUNNINGHAM a thumbs up)_ That's the spirit!

**This hero doesn't need a sidekick,**

**This princess doesn't need a prince,**

**Not every feast needs a side dish –**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: **On a slightly smaller plate?**

_(ELDER PRICE elbows him in the ribs, hard)_

ELDER PRICE: **I don't care to see eye to eye,**

**But I'm so great we can agree,**

**That Heavenly Father has chosen me, myself,**

**And only I…**

**Something that's really cool**

**I'll do something that's really cool!**

**I'm gonna be the moron who changed all of mankind!**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(trying to give ELDER PRICE a hug)_ **You're my best friend – **_(ELDER PRICE shoves him away violently)_

ELDER PRICE: **Something I've foreseen**

**Now that I'm nineteen**

**I'll do something that's really cool**

**That fucks God's blowing mind!**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(running up again)_ **Just as long as we stick together!**

ELDER PRICE: _(impatiently)_ **No, you stay out of my way**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: **Out of your way**

ELDER PRICE: **I'll save the world from Satan!**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: **And make tomorrow a latter day!**

ELDER PRICE: **Only me!**

**I'll quit singing about it and do it**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: **How ready and psyched are we?**

**Life is about to change for you**

ELDER PRICE: **Oh, life is about to change for me,**

**And life is about to change for me, myself,**

**And only I**

**There's no limit to what I can do –**

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: **Me and you**

ELDER PRICE: **But only,**

**Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!**


	4. Act I Scene iii

(A/N: I sincerely apologize for the long wait. However, since I'll have more free time this summer, expect a quicker update! Enjoy!)

**ACT I, SCENE iii – DISNEY WORLD**

_(ELDER PRICE and ELDER CUNNINGHAM walk down Main Street, U.S.A. We can see that both are wearing backpacks (ELDER CUNNINGHAM with a Star Wars one, ELDER PRICE with a Little Mermaid one), and ELDER PRICE is not only wearing Mickey ears, but he also is carrying two bags of merchandise.)_

ELDER PRICE: And there's the castle! AND THERE'S MICKEY! _(waves to a guy in a Mickey Mouse costume) HI MICKEY!_ I can't believe I'm here! I'M HERE!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Yeah, me neither, best friend! Listen, I hear there's this Star Wars ride in one of the other parks –

ELDER PRICE: It's like I was here only yesterday! Fantasyland was my favorite part of the park, though 'it's a small world' always freaked me out. According to the guidemap, that Snow White ride is gone. That one scared me too. I was too little to go on Space Mountain and Splash Mountain when I was nine, or at least my dad told me so. I plan on going on both.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: I'll go with you!

ELDER PRICE: Anyways, we should probably go find Mafala Hatimbi. _HI GOOFY!_ He's supposedly the one in charge around these parts.

_(A group of HOOLIGANS (kids that are twelve years old or so) who are dressed as pirates, brandishing water guns and frightening-looking fake swords, probably bought in the Pirates of the Caribbean gift shop, run up to ELDE PRICE and ELDER CUNNINGHAM from offstage.)_

HOOLIGAN #1: Give us the merchandise, ye scallywags!

ELDER PRICE: What the –

_(HOOLIGAN #2 wrestles the bags of merchandise from ELDER PRICE's hands and cackles manically. ELDER CUNNINGHAM screams like a little girl and gets onto the ground, curling up into a fetal position. HOOLIGAN #2 begins rummaging through the bags, throwing items carelessly at HOOLIGAN #3, who catches them and shoves them in a suspicious-looking black duffel bag.)_

ELDER PRICE: _(As HOOLIGAN #2 removes a stuffed Mickey Mouse from the shopping bag)_ There were some very important things in there.

_(HOOLIGANS run off with the merchandise, high fiving each other and whooping.)_

HOOLIGAN #3: _(calling from offstage) _HA! Fuck you, lowlifes!

ELDER PRICE: _(breathlessly)_ They… _they need some serious prayer._

_(MAFALA HATIMBI walks up. ELDER CUNNINGHAM has gotten shakily to his feet.)_

MAFALA: Salutations!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: AHHHHHH! _(clutches at ELDER PRICE, who violently shakes him off, looking embarrassed.)_

ELDER PRICE: You must be Mafala Hatimbi.

MAFALA: Yes! _(shakes the hands of ELDER PRICE and ELDER CUNNINGHAM) _I am Mafala Hatimbi. You must be Elder _Price_ and Elder _Cunningham_.

ELDER PRICE: Yes, yes… sir, we were just robbed. Is there a security guard nearby? Should we call the police?

MAFALA: _(laughs) _CALL the police! Ha! _(doubles over laughing for five minutes or so, leaving ELDER PRICE and ELDER CUNNINGHAM looking extremely awkward)_

ELDER PRICE: Excuse me sir, but could you please tell me… what's so funny? This is serious!

MAFALA: Security does nothing here! There's no stopping these violent beasts in Disney World. Things are different here! In this part of Florida we have a saying whenever something bad happens. We just throw our hands to the sky, and say '_Mana Heia Walt Disney'._ (pronounced _mana hey-a Walt Disney)_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _Mana heia Walt Disney?_

MAFALA: _Mana Heia Walt Disney_. It's the only thing to get us through these troubled times. _(WORKERS begin emerging to surround MAFALA, ELDER PRICE, and ELDER CUNNINGHAM)._ There's war! Poverty! Famine! But having a saying makes it all seem better!

MAFALA:

_**We cannot afford food to eat!**_

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**And children are crying in the streets!**_

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

ELDER PRICE: Well that's pretty really cool!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Does it mean 'Fuck you, God'?

ELDER PRICE: _No, _Elder Cunningham. Language. _(sighs)_ It means 'no worries for the rest of our days', right Mr. Hatimbi? You know, like 'Hakuna Matata'?

MAFALA: Kind of…

_**It's been ninety degrees for several days!**_

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

MAFALA:

_**And eighty percent of us don't get paid!**_

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

MAFALA:

_**Many children do get terrorized,**_

_**Mickey scares them off!**_

WORKERS:

_**Way-oh!**_

_**And so we say up to the sky,**_

**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

MAFALA: Now you try it! Just stand up tall, tilt your head to the sky, and list off the bad things in_ your_ life!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:

_**Pirates took our stuff away**_

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

ELDER PRICE:

_**The plane crashed, and the bus was late!**_

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

MAFALA:

_**When the world is getting you down, there's nobody else to blame.**_

_**Raise your middle finger to the sky, and curse his rotten name!**_

ELDER PRICE: Wait, what?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM AND WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Am I saying it right?

ELDER PRICE: Excuse me, sir, but what _exactly _does that phrase mean?

MAFALA: Let's see. 'Walt Disney' is self-explanatory. And _'Mana Heia'_ means, 'Fuck you'! So I _guess _in English it would mean, 'Fuck you, Walt'!

WORKERS: _**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

ELDER PRICE: WHAT?

MAFALA:

_**When Walt fucks you in the butt!**_

WORKERS

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

MAFALA:

_**Fuck him right back in his cunt!**_

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**What a nifty phrase!**_

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

ELDER PRICE: _(storms up to ELDER CUNNINGHAM, who is dancing (or attempting to do so), grabs him harshly by the arm and pulls him off to the side)_ Elder Cunningham. Elder – Elder Cunningham! Elder Cunningham? Stop - ELDER CUNNINGHAM!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(innocently) _What? What is it?

ELDER PRICE: _You have to stop saying that._

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: What? You mean _Mana Heia –_

ELDER PRICE: No no no! _Stop_! It means something _very bad_.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: You mean they aren't saying, you know, no worries for the rest of -

ELDER PRICE: _No,_ they are not. They are _saying_ F you to Walt Disney!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _F you to Walt Disney? _That's not very nice, but it could be worse. _(shrugs) _It's not like they're saying f you to Heavenly Father or whatever.

ELDER PRICE: They are saying f you to my c_hildhood!_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Oh. Your childhood. In that case… HOLY MOLY I SAID IT LIKE FIFTEEN TIMES!

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**Fuck you, Walt!**_

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**Fuck you, Walt!**_

ELDER PRICE: _(severely shaken)_ Ex – excuse me, sir, but you _really _shouldn't be saying that. Walt Disney was a fine gentleman, a true innovator, the source of smiles on the faces of generations of children and adults alike. _That man is my hero_, sir. Plus, things aren't always as bad as they seem!

MAFALA: Oh really? Take this fucking asshole Mutumbo. _(gestures to MUTUMBO, who is dressed as Captain Hook)_ He got caught last week making a child cry.

ELDER PRICE: What? _Why?_

MAFALA: Some people believe making children cry is the only way to boost their low self-esteems. It's hard to bully their coworkers, who have violent tendencies, so some of them are turning to children!

ELDER PRICE: But they can scar children for life!

MAFALA: I know!

WORKERS:

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

MAFALA:

_(pointing out several workers dressed as Disney characters)_

_**Here's Aurora, underpaid!**_

_**Here's Aladdin, underpaid!**_

_**Here's Snow White, she's underpaid!**_

_**Here's my daughter, she gets paid**_

_**Minimum wage each hour!**_

_**She's all I have left in the world,**_

_**So if either of you lay a hand on her…**_

I WILL GIVE YOU MY AIDS!

ELDER PRICE AND ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(scream and cling to each other for dear life)_

WORKERS:

_**If you don't like what we say,**_

_**Try working here a couple days,**_

_**Feel all our pain and misery,**_

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

**Fuck you!**

_**Mana Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**Fuck you Walt in the ass, mouth, and cunt – a!**_

_**Fuck you Walt in the ass, mouth, and cunt – a!**_

_**Fuck you Walt in the ass, mouth, and cunt – a!**_

_**Fuck you in the eye!**_

_**Mana –**_

_**Heia Walt Disney!**_

_**Mana –**_

_**Fuck you in the other eye!**_

_**Mana Heia**_

_**Mana Heia Walt**_

_**Mana Heia**_

_**Mana Heia Walt**_

_**Mana Heia**_

_**Mana Heia Walt**_

_**Mana Heia!**_

_**Fuck you Walt!**_

_**In the cunt!**_

_(The WORKERS finish, leaving ELDER PRICE and ELDER CUNNINGHAM quite speechless and horrified.)_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(dazedly) _Elder Price?

_(ELDER PRICE continues to stare straight ahead, too stunned to speak because a bunch of people just sang about fucking his hero in the cunt, etc.)_

MAFALA: _(leading NABULUNGI over to them, completely unaffected by the whole number)_ This is my daughter, Nabulungi. She will be taking you to the place where _your kind _stays.

NABULUNGI: Hello!

ELDER PRICE: _(snapping out of it, suddenly aware of his surroundings, and checking out NABULUNGI)_ Oh… Hello there… good looking.

NABULUNGI: I will be taking you to your District! Follow me!

ELDER PRICE: I'd follow you anywhere.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Kevin, are you -

ELDER PRICE: _I'm not doing anything._

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Really? Because it sounded like you were flir –

ELDER PRICE: _(nervous laugh) _Let's get going, shall we?

_(There is a quick set change to show that they are now standing in front of a building – a building that houses District 9. It's in a shady looking neighborhood, and the building looks unsafe, with broken windows, graffiti, etc.)_

NABULUNGI: _(gesturing widely) _Here we are! Do you like it?

ELDER PRICE: _(stony-faced) _It's – it's great. I mean, you've got… some artwork. _(points to a particularly ugly red FUCK YOU that has been sprayed on to the building's exterior)_ And… nice neighborhood. _(gives a thumbs up with a forced smile)_

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: You think so Kevin? Because I think it's a dum – _(ELDER PRICE covers his mouth quickly)_

ELDER PRICE: Listen, Nabulungi. Maybe sometime, you know… you and I… Jesus Christ… some scripture…

NABULUNGI: _(clueless) _What are you trying to say?

ELDER PRICE: Maybe we could get together and, you know… I'll convert you to Mormonism and we can have a good time. We could maybe do some line dancing, make a fun day out of it?

_(A gunshot sounds somewhere offstage)_

NABULUNGI: I must go. I should get out of here, it's not that safe…

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: _(waving awkwardly)_ GOODBYE, MUFASA!

NABULUNGI: Nabulungi.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Nala?

NABULUNGI: Nabulungi. I will text you both later! _(she starts walking off, then abruptly stops)_ And… keep your windows closed and your doors locked. Hide under your beds and don't make a sound. It is the only way to protect from the murderers and the kidnappers and the bears and the fire hydrants and the pianos and the guns and the swords and the waterslides and the laptops and the shrubs and the radioactive waste and the rapists. _(waves) _I'll text you later!

_(NABULUNGI runs away, covering her head. She jumps in her car and speeds off in the distance. More gunshots can be heard.)_

ELDER PRICE: But… I don't have a cell phone.

ELDER CUNNINGHAM: Neither do I.

_(awkward silence)_

ELDER PRICE: Guess we better get inside before we get murdered.

_(ELDER PRICE and ELDER CUNNINGHAM make their way towards the door and turn the knob…)_

Next update, we venture into district 9. Thanks for reading, feel free to review!


End file.
